Shakespearean Alchemist
by CaitlinNeko
Summary: A parody of both Fullmetal Alchemist and a Shakespearean play. Rated for language and strangeness? May continue with more acts, or different plays. Yay, crack!
1. Midsummer Night's Dream Act 1 Scene 1

**Disclaimer: **I own neither Fullmetal Alchemist, nor the play I'm more or less parodying here.

_Note: _ I deserve to be shot for this.

Anyone guess what play this is parodying? The title narrows it down, but oh well…

(Coughage) For crack reasonings, mainly...Elricest, EnvyAl, WinryEnvy and Royai. More pairings later on. If you've read the play...you'll know o.o;;

**_X_**

"So," Roy Mustang began, voice _too_ calm and casual, "We're gonna get hitched it four days, huh? God damn it…four days is too long."  
Riza Hawkeye rolled her eyes, exasperated, "It's _four days_, sir. Hold your horses."

Roy sighed, "Fine. Whatever. Hey, Havoc!"

"Yes sir?" the depressed Lieutenant glanced up at his boss, "What is it?"

"Go get a party started, 'kay?"

"Whatever." Havoc turned around, leaving, mumbling sorrowfully, cigarette drooping from his mouth, "Why don't _I_ get a girl?" he asked no one in particular.

"Hey…um…Riza…" Roy began sheepishly, looking at his soon-to-be wife.

"What is it, sir?" she asked, glancing back to him.

"Maybe this relationship didn't start off so great, but…the wedding'll be better. I promise."

She couldn't help the smile that graced her features, "Of course, sir."

Just then a larger man burst through the door, three boys in tow. Adjusting his glasses, he grinned awkwardly to their Fuhrer, "Good morning, Fuhrer Mustang!"

"Mm?" Roy glanced up, looking bored again, "Oh. Hi. How're things with you, Hohenheim?"

"Terrible." The older male sighed, gesturing back to their boys behind him, "We've got a classic love triangle. Shape. Thing. Whatever."

Roy sighed, wanting Hohenheim to get on with it, "Yes?"

"Well…Envy…get up here." Grumbling, Envy stepped forward, "You see, Fuhrer Mustang, sir…I told Envy he could marry my little Alphonse over there." There was the sound of metal tinging off of metal in the background, presumably Al slapping his forehead, "But Al doesn't want to. Edward…" Hohenheim's voice rose. His son gulped nervously, full of apprehension. Edward stepped forward, giving Al a weak smile as he passed him, "And my son, Edward, wants to marry Al. But I won't let him."

Roy blinked, surprised, "Well that's…odd."

Ed folded his arms over his chest, grumbling, "Rather fucked up, actually." He was ignored.

"Ed…" Hohenheim began slowly, "What the _hell_ do you think you were doing, seducing Al like that?"

Ed's jaw _dropped_, "Seducing…._Al_?!" He twitched, "You bastard! I did no such thing!"

"Yet he fell for you, and now he won't marry Envy."

"What if I don't want to marry _him?_" Envy asked callously.

"Quiet you." Hohenheim scolded, before turning back to the Fuhrer, "So you see, sir, we've got a bit of a problem."

"No shit." Roy mumbled, then rose his voice to address the suit of armour that was shifting awkwardly, looking for an escape, "What do you have to say about this, Alphonse? You've got three choices here…" Roy paused for dramatic effect, "You can marry Envy…"

Envy and Ed exchanged fierce glares, and stuck their tongues out at each other. Al squirmed.

"Or…" Roy continued casually, "You can die…"

Ed's jaw dropped, "You'd _kill_ him?! What the _hell_?!" Even the armour looked stunned. Envy snickered.

"And your final choice," Roy said slowly, drawing out the suspense, "You could be a nun, or something."

Envy burst out laughing. Ed went pale. The armour froze its antsy movements.

"So then," Roy said at last, breaking the silence that came after Envy's fit of laughter, "What do you have to say, Al?"

"I don't want to die…or be a nun…and I most certainly will _not_ marry Envy."

"Yeah!" Edward put in, excited now, "I'm sexier than Envy, anyway! And _he_," he pointed an accusatory finger at Envy, "_Was flirting with Winry._"

A series of startled gasps echoed throughout the room.

Envy cleared his throat, "What? I like messing with people…"

Roy shook his head, "Whatever. Al…you can have four days-until my wedding, that is-to decide. Hohenheim, Envy…come with me and Riza. We have something to discuss."

"Yes, Mr.Fuhrer, sir." Hohenheim said, following Roy and Riza out a side door.

"Whatever." Envy grumbled, following after them.

Edward sighed forlornly, glancing to his metallic brother, "I hate my life."

Alphonse nodded, "This sucks. I wish I could marry you."

Ed looked up at him curiously, "That's so weird, but I like it _a lot_ better than your other options."

"Yeah…I wish there was something we could do."

Suddenly the thought struck Ed, and his face lit up, "Why don't we run off to Risembool? Auntie Pinako could help us out, and we'll get married _there_!"

"Sweet deal!" Al hopped a little, sounding pleased with the plan.

"We should meet in the woods tomorrow night." Ed nodded, satisfied with his plans, "Our usual hangout. Midnight, okay?"

Alphonse nodded, anticipating their romantic runaway together.

"Hey," Ed shushed Al, making sure he'd say no more, "Winry's coming this way!"

Winry moped along into the room, looking dully up at her childhood friends.

"Hey," Al sounded worried, "What's wrong, Winry?"

"What's _wrong_?" she fumed, "I'll tell you what's wrong! Envy made me fall for him, now he's chasing after _you_! This bites."

Al stepped back in surprise, "Sorry, Winry…"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." She sighed, and Al took pity on her."

"Well he'll notice you soon. I promise."

"Hm?" Winry glanced up, curious now.

"Ed and I are going to run off and elope. So then Envy'll _have_ to notice you-I'll be gone!"

Winry looked weirded out, "That's strange, but…okay..."

"Yeah…we're meeting in the woods tomorrow night! You know…Where the three of us used to hang out all the time."

Al nodded and waved goodbye to the two of them, obviously quite cheered up by the entire event. He ran out of the room.

Ed offered Winry a small smile of comfort, "You'll get him, and don't worry. I'll get Al." Ed winked before waving, and dashing off.

Winry sighed forlornly, "I should probably tell Envy." She glanced around, and grew bolder by the moment, "Yeah! That's it! I'll tell on the Elrics, and tell Envy all about their little plan…then Envy'll be grateful to me…it'll be worth it, I just know it!" and with that thought in mind, Winry left, beaming, to go find Envy.


	2. Midsummer Night's Dream Act 1 Scene 2

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own crap.

_Note:_ Pro'lly not as good as the first one. I was still debating whether to even both with this scene or not, because I'll fail at making it good, but in order to do all the scenes I want to later, I'll probably need this one, too, anyway…

_**X**_

"Everyone here?" Pride …former Fuhrer Bradley, called out, voice booming.

"Yes." Greed's lazy voice spoke from the back.

"Well…I will call out everyone's names-to be sure." He cleared his throat, "These are the homunculi…people who shall serve under…perform the play for the new Fuhrer and his slut." He coughed slightly, then got on with it, "The play is the 'The Tear-jerking Comedy and Terrible, Gruesome Deaths of some guy and some girl.'" He nodded, "Greed, you are here?"

"Yes…" Greed nodded lazily, bored.

"Greed: You will play 'some guy'. He is the hero of the story, who kills himself…for love…" he shook his head, adding a mumbled, "What a pathetic way to die…"

"Hm." Greed acknowledged weakly, "I'll do an _amazing_ job of course, no questions asked. But…I think I'd do a bad guy even _better_."

Pride ignored this comment, and continued on, "Gluttony? You shall play 'some girl'. The lover of 'some guy'."

Gluttony titled his head to one sighed in question, "Will I get to eat something?"

"Maybe." Pride agreed vaguely.

"No!" Greed protested loudly, "Let me play _both_ roles!"

"Um…?"

"I'd speak in a loud, booming voice for 'some guy', then switch to a small voice for 'some girl'." He nodded, and then spoke in a loud voice, "'Some girl! Come hither!'" he then switched to a squeaky, mocking voice, "'Some guy, oh some guy! Wherefore art thou some guy?'"

"Uh…well, Greed, you're the only one good enough to play 'some guy' so we need all your attention on him. Yes, that's it." He quickly continued on, "I shall play the mother of 'some girl'. Sloth-you shall play the father of 'some guy'. Lust shall play the father of 'some guy'."

Sloth and Lust nodded weakly, exchanged glances.

"Wrath? You shall play the lion."

"Oh." Wrath sounded disappointed, "Well do you have my script? I'm not good at learning…"

Pride sighed, "Do it spontaneous-like. You just need to roar, boy."

"Let me be the lion, too!" came the voice of Greed, "I will roar so well that Mustang will piss himself in _fear_." He chuckled at the mental image this conjured.

"Well…you'll scare _everyone_, then no one will see your amazing acting skills."

"True…" Greed thought for a moment, "Then I shall roar as softly as a little bird!"

"Oh shut up." Pride growled, "Just play 'some guy' and be quiet. I want to get this over with."

"Then do so." Greed said simply.

"We shall meet in the forest tomorrow night to rehearse." Pride growled, "Be there or I'll hunt you down."


	3. Midsummer Night's Dream Act 2 Scene 1

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own anything…

_Note: _Eh…still messed up. Also…Envy's little rant is almost entirely my English teacher's.

_**X**_

Armstrong, sparkles and all, bounded into the woods, followed closely by a number of others in military uniform, prancing along.

"'Lo there, fellows." Armstrong's voice boomed through the trees of the night, "Where have you been?"

"All through the woods." They beamed, "Are you not the trouble maker, causing pain to those around you?"

"You jest!" He protested, spinning around daintily, "I but hug and help, and they end up hurt! Not my fault, indeed!"

"Uh…huh…" they all shook their heads, and changed the subject, "Oh but the king of the fairies, Maes, and his wife, Gracia, are fighting over a child."

"OH!" Armstrong agreed, "And here they come now!"

Just then both Hughes and his wife approached, and cast fierce glares at one another.

"You're probably here just to see _Roy_." Hughes accused her.

"Hah!" She scoffed, "You obviously are in love with _Riza_."

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes, "You should just give upElysia."

"What, and make her go through another photo shoot of yours?" she shot at him, fiercely.

"I don't see why you're so protective about it." He complained.

"I want only the best for her, that's all! You're practically using the poor girl."

Hughes began to grumble, in a huff, "You are a _pain_, sometimes, _dear_."

Spinning on her heel, she stormed off, without another word.

"Armstrong." Hughes beckoned, "There is a flower of magical properties, that will cast a love spell on the one whose eyes it placed on their eyes, making them fall in love with the next living thing they sight."

"Yes?" Armstrong asked, anticipating.

"I want you to retrieve this for me-then I will use it on Gracia to make her fall in love with some beast, and then she will be so embarrassed that she will allow me to take _hundreds_ of photos of Elysia."

"Yes sir!" Armstrong beamed before dashing off, ignoring the immaturity of the plan.

Just then Envy and Winry wandered along, the fairy Hughes making himself invisible to mortal eyes.

"_I hate you_, Winry!" Envy shouted at her, plainly frustrated, "Now where the hell are Ed and Al? I wish to _kill_, chibi-san. Now…stop following me!"

"I follow you because you are like a magnet to me!" she beamed.

"I insult you, and mock you!" he groaned, "I tell you how much I hate you, but you're _still following me_."

"Because I love you _so_ much, Envy!" she cried, still smiling foolishly, "The more you kick and strike me, the more I shall love you! I'm just so loyal to you!"

"_Winry_." He snapped, turning on her, "I. Hate. You. Get it?" he seethed, before going off on a rant, "I hate you. I hate your family. I hate your friends. I hate your dog. I hate your _goldfish_, for crying out loud! I don't love you. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Got it?"

"And yet I will still try." She sighed contentedly.

"You make me _sick_ to my stomach."

"I'm sick when I'm not with you!"

"And you're following me into the woods at night, you're such a _slut_."

"Being close to you is a privilege, my honour. IT does not make me a slut to follow you so late at night, but makes me graced and honoured."

"My _god_, woman!" he growled, "I'll hide in the god damn bushes, and let wild animals _eat_ you!"

"The wildest animals have no heart as courageous as yours, and none could keep me from you!"

"If you follow me, I _swear I'll hurt you_."

"You hurt me by not returning this love of mine!"

"_Shut up!_" Envy growled before bolting off.

"I will follow you to the ends of the earth!" she called after him, and then ran to do so.

Hughes stepped out of the shadow, shaking his head at the troubles of the mortals, "Poor girl. I wish her the best."

Just then Armstrong came by, carrying the flower Maes had requested, "Here you are, my lord!"

"Thank you." He gave part of it back to Armstrong, "Take this to find a girl…boy from Central, and sprinkle some on his eyes while he sleeps. He will be found near another, following him. Make sure this person is the first he sees when he awakes."

"Yes, sir!" Armstrong acknowledged, and went off to do so.


	4. Midsummer Night's Dream Act 2 Scene 2

**Disclaimer:** Technically the copyright for the _play_ actually expired a few centuries ago…._but_….still don't own it. Or, like, anything D;

_Note:_ In case someone didn't catch it: Hughes' line near the end, telling Armstrong to find Envy was, in fact, a crack at the gender issue of Envy. (Or lack there of, I guess.)

_**X**_

**G**racia wandered along, several soldiers following along behind her, "You, sirs, I would ask of you to sing me a song for me to sleep by, then you can go off and do…whatever it is you guys do."

The soldiers exchanged worried glances as Gracia settles herself down, "We have to _sing_?"

"Yes." She said flatly.

"Fuck this." A few soldiers muttered before wandering off.

The rest proceeded to sing very….terribly.

With a shrug, Gracia went to sleep anyway.

After a moment, Hughes came creeping along over to his wife, pulling out the love potion from his pocket. Applying it to her eyes he grinned, "This'll teach her to not let me use my camera as I wish!"

Satisfied, he turned, wandering off.

Just then Ed and Al wandered along, having wandered together for so long, and obviously tired by now.

"Shit…" Ed mumbled, casting a wary glance up at the armour, "I, uh…I think we're lost."

Al sighed, "Obviously your fault."

"Nuh-uh!" Ed shook his head indignantly before continuing in a cross voice, "Whatever. Let's get some sleep and wait 'til daylight to continue."

Al nodded, "Good idea." He gestured to the ground, "I'll sleep here."

Ed nodded enthusiastically, "We'll lie together!"

Al cast a suspicious glance, "Are you trying to get into my pants?"

Ed feigned innocence, "Whatever do you mean, my dear little brother?"

"I don't have pants, brother."

"Right." Ed blinked, "And _you_ don't sleep."

"_Oh well!_" Al whined, "Just be a _good_ brother, and sleep _over there._"

Ed shrugged and wandered away, going to sleep.

Al shrugged off the faint thumping noise, and settled himself into an almost dream-like sleeping state.

But a few minutes later Armstrong came along, pink sparkles surrounding him, "Curses!" he mumbled to himself, tears streaming down his face, "Most of the night I have searched for the couple Hughes spoke of, but I have yet to find them!" he shook his head, then spied the sleeping couple not far from him, "Look, though! They sleep apart, so mustn't be in love-so obviously in need of a love spell." He nodded, before eyeing Edward, "And when he spoke of a 'girl…boy from Central' he must have been referring to how feminine this one looks!" he nodded, satisfied with this logic. Without another thought he applied the love potion, and dashed off into the woods.

Then yet another came along, a disheartened Winry, still following an aggravated Envy-both of which managed to not notice the others, asleep, because of the darkness.

"Stop following me, damnit!" Envy growled, moving away from the blond yet again.

"Oh please don't leave me alone here!"

"I _will_." He snapped at the pest, before moving quickly off into the woods.

Heaving a heavy sigh, she finally noticed the sleeping Edward and, worried, went to wake him, "Edward….are you okay?"

Ed's eyes slowly flitted open," Ehhh?"

"Oh!" she exclaimed, "You're alright, at least, my friend!"

He nodded, "How could I not be when I've lain my eyes upon your beauty?"

"Oh? What's this?" she blinked, terribly confused, "What about Al?

Ed simply shook his head, "I could never love that hideous freak! You are the only one I love!"

Oh, now you're just making fun of me, aren't you?" she groaned at this, standing upright, "And I thought you were my friend!"

With that she ran away, Edward close behind, shouting to her, "Come back, my love!"

A few moments later Alphonse stirred, "Oh?" he asked, waking from his near-slumber, "Where's Ed gone?" he pulled himself up, looking around one last time before going to go look for him.


End file.
